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Deal Breakers in Relationships

March 4th, 2017

In relationships, opposites attract. About two-thirds of relationships are with an opposite Color. If that’s you, there are some deal breakers that you should avoid. If you’re already in one of those relationships, do remember some of these and back off in order to grow your relationship. Plus, you can change just a few words here, and this also applies to your coworkers, or managing others! It’s the same thing at work where people join companies, but quit their manager! Gee…I wonder why Colors is so important…

With Orange: Do not take away their freedom. They have big visions, dreams and ideas and won’t discard them for anyone. They’re very flexible and accommodating – there’s more than one way to get things done, but don’t hold them back or tell them it can’t be done. Gold and Green actually show that they care by pointing out the boundaries, flaws, or why something won’t work. But that’s not what Oranges are hearing!

Restricting their socializing and friends: People, networking, and friends come first with Oranges. That won’t change much to accommodate their partner. They have a large group of friends and socializing, networking, or whatever, will take up a lot of their evenings. A partner who wants to cut this group down to manageable size or limit their evenings out won’t last very long. Oranges will make a quick choice…and it’s an easy choice.

With Green: Don’t be closed-minded. They’ve very open minded and nothings gets them to back off quicker than someone stuck in tunnel vision who won’t consider any alternate point of view. They need a partner who can keep up with their continuously shifting range of thoughts, ideas and emotions. In the words of Winona Ryder: “I think too much. I think ahead. I think behind. I think sideways. I think it all. If it exists, I’ve thought about it!”

Unable to trust their partner: Greens are very careful in investing their emotions – or even letting someone “in.” They’re not looking for the partner of the month, but someone they can trust to be in it for the long term. (Their core need for credibility). If they sense that the person isn’t invested, they won’t continue to waste their time and energy.

With Blue: Make them feel needed. Blues live to help others. It’s a big self-esteem builder for them that makes them thrive and grow in a relationship. If they don’t feel someone is letting them in or sharing their inner feelings, it can feel like they are without a purpose and can quickly choke off the romance in a relationship.

Insensitivity: Blues need to feel comfortable in a relationship. They need to be able to open up and share their deep feelings. That takes a partner who will listen unconditionally and without wanting to fix. Arrogance, negativity, or judgmental partners will quickly be tuned out.

With Gold: Inconsistencies drive Golds crazy. They look for a partner who is loyal and committed in any…in every…situation. Whether it’s convenient or not, whether it take the extra time or effort, consistency is critical to Golds. Anyone who won’t abide by this deal breaker will be hard to trust…and that’s another critical value to a Gold in a long-term relationship.

Disregarding their strong value system: Golds have a core set of values that aren’t negotiable, or subject to change. Their partner has to know the five or six core values that a Gold will not negotiate about or abandon – period. Some issue (probably more than that…) are black and white – right and wrong, and at the core of what makes a Gold.

Blue Women vs. Gold or Green Men

September 2nd, 2014

Roger has been dating Elaine for some time now. Then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” There is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship… And Roger is thinking gosh – six months…

And Elaine is thinking: Hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going… I mean, where are we going? Are we heading toward a life together? And Roger is thinking: …so that means it was February, which was right after I had the car in the shop, which means… lemme check the odometer… Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change now.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment? Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say it’s still not shifting right…

And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure. I never should have mentioned it. Now he probably feels cornered, like I’m being too aggressive and now he wants out…And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say…the scumballs…

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me…a person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

“Roger,” Elaine says aloud. “What?” says a startled Roger. “Please don’t torture yourself like this,” her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have… Oh goodness, I feel so…” She breaks down, sobbing. “What?” asks Roger. “I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine asks. “No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. “It’s just that… It’s that I… I need some time,” Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. “Yes,” he says. Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. “Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” “What way?” asks Roger. “That way about time,” says Elaine. “Oh,” says Roger. “Yes.” Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next. At last she speaks. “Thank you, Roger,” she says. “Thank you?” says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and Elaine lies in bed and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos and becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it again…

The next day, Elaine will call her closest friend to talk for hours. They will analyze everything that was said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, never reaching any conclusions…

At Work or Home – If We Just Understand Each Other…

May 12th, 2013

Hi George: I just wanted to let you know how much your seminar has helped me and my hubby. I’m a Blue-Gold and, at home after the seminar, I told hubby that he should do the assessment. He’s not just a Green, but a super-rare Green-Blue! It helped to explain so many things that were happening in our relationship.

We were going through a rough patch around that time – we weren’t talking nearly as much, we weren’t snuggling as much, and I was always walking on eggshells because I thought that I was going to upset him. He would get in these moods where he would just sit there and not say anything, and when I would ask him a question he would just give me one word answers. And when I would try and tell him about my day, he would just stare at me.

Being a Blue, I kept thinking “what is it that I’m doing wrong?” but I was too scared to ask, not only that but I would try to spend as much time with him to see if I couldn’t make him feel better and help him get out of his “funk”. But then, some days he would be super affectionate and loving, and I would think “why can’t it be this way all the time? After taking your seminar, I realized that he wasn’t mad at me at all. He just needed his “Green time,” and living in a little townhouse, there really isn’t anywhere to get away from each other. He doesn’t have an area where he can just be alone with his thoughts – not to mention we live 5 minutes (literally) from his work, and I come home about 10 minutes after him. I also realized that when I kept asking him “are you okay” it was actually interrupting his Green Time and driving him crazy!

Your seminar and book has made us truly understand each other. He knows now that I need a spontaneous hug every once in a while, and I learned that I need to let him be, and it’s not because I’m doing anything wrong. I always thought that he was upset or mad at me, when in reality he was just in green-mode and thinking. We are able to communicate so much better now, and this is the best our relationship has ever been!! We’re buying a house together (with enough space that he can have his “green-den” – as we’ve taken to calling it!!), he’s starting a new adventure in a new career, and we’ve even talked about starting a family eventually! I’m not sure that these things would be happening now if we had never read your book. I hope you continue to help others the way you have helped the two of us for years to come. I.S.

Love Hurts

June 7th, 2011

If you’re old enough you’ll remember that this was the title of a Nazareth song. But it might also be true in the literal sense of the meaning.

A recent study at Columbia University found that getting rejected can literally manifest itself as physical pain! Researchers showed volunteers pictures of ex-lovers after a breakup, while an MRI scanned their brain activity. The regions of the brain with significant activations were the same ones that are activated when we hold a very hot cup of coffee, or when we are under distress.

It isn’t the first study, and it won’t be the last, to find that intense rejection can result in physical pain issue or disorders. And it certainly points out how our emotional state impacts our body. That’s something Blues especially should learn and remember.

The “pain” we can all feel at times, has nothing to do with gender, as the study reported. And it certainly has nothing to do with a specific Color. It’s just that Golds, Greens, and Oranges will suppress it, crack a joke, ignore it, or work their way through it, rather than first dealing with healing.

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Colorful Personalities Excerpt: Relationships

May 31st, 2010
Here is another in a series of excerpts from the all-new Colorful Personalities book. This month’s section is from the relationship chapter:
If communication is one of the key factors for growth, it can also be a prime area of conflict when we tend to think, “I communicate really well, it’s just that my partner doesn’t.” How often do we want to be right, instead of happy, or choose to talk solely in the ways of our own Colors, instead of communicating in the ways our partner actually values and understands? Can doing the same thing over and over ever reach a different result?
Many times, seemingly simple communications with our partner of a different Color can quickly go off the rails. It may not seem like a big deal at the time, but like unraveling a sweater, hurt feelings linger, our partner withdraws, and the battle lines are drawn. Oranges may raise their voices in frustration, or make fun of something or someone. For Oranges, this is never a big deal and is quickly forgotten. However, with a Gold or Green partner, criticism in public (at work, with friends, or in front of their family) is often perceived as a personal attack.
Blues, the vast majority of whom are women, can feel frustrated, unheard, or unloved when their husbands (mostly Greens and Golds) are not very good mind readers.
These Gold and Green men are really adept at fixing and solving things. However, neither Color is likely to ever fully bridge the gap between the feelings-related, “if you loved me you would know…” and the logical, “what exactly do you want me to do?” (For more insights, The Colors of Relationship booklet includes worksheets on each Color’s common stresses with their partner to create a meaningful dialogue for all relationship combinations.)
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Oranges in Relationships

April 1st, 2009

Whether it’s at work on in relationships, Oranges are often quite misunderstood in many ways. Here is an excerpt from the Colors of Relationships booklet of some common Orange stresses. After all, whether it’s at work or at home, it is critical for us to understand each other.

I know if our television set packed it in today, we’d have a new one by tomorrow – guaranteed! For anyone who doesn’t understand Colors, have them invest the $40 in the full Colors set. It matters a lot because our relationships are way more important than our television… (www.vantageseminars.com)

  • A ‘you have to’ attitude or approach
  • Being on the sidelines
  • Boredom & lack of action
  • Conformity
  • Cutting off my need to talk it through
  • Feelings hurt when I’m not politically correct
  • Getting asked too many questions
  • Having to be on time
  • Having to finish everything
  • Holding me to all my promises or commitments
  • Lack of choices and options
  • Lingering conflict or argument
  • Not enough challenges
  • Not enough spending money
  • Not supporting or finding the positives in my ideas
  • Organizing or moving my stuff around
  • Paperwork & paying bills
  • Restricting my freedom when you: __________
  • Rigid plans when something better comes up
  • Routines and sameness
  • Sitting still and doing nothing
  • Spending time alone
  • Structure & rules
  • Stuck inside
  • Talking about stuff from the past
  • Too many rules
  • Too much stuff planned out or piled on
  • Whining, complaining and worrying