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Posts Tagged ‘Blue feelings’

How to Really Hurt a Blue

July 4th, 2017

Last year I sat in on the tail end of a workshop when the facilitator had a Green husband and Blue wife come up front. From what I could gather, they had issues in their relationship for some time. The facilitator asked them a couple of questions. Then, in frustration, she asked the Green guy: Do you even still love her?

It was three seconds of silence while he tilted his head, still had that very Green face, then answered “yes,” but more in the form of a question. His Blue wife just started crying and couldn’t stop for some time.

What happened? I wasn’t in the heat of the battle, and am pretty good at understanding Greens. If there had been a video, I would have loved to jump in and re-play that small ten second clip for both of them: His Green brain was still processing the last few questions, then this one was sprung on him: the implications, why the facilitator was asking such an obvious question, and where she was going with this line of questions with such an aggressive tone of voice… The three seconds that took was really quick – but only for this Green husband! If his Blue wife watched the replay without audio, she would have seen the love, hurt, and confusion in his eyes. Yet, in this pretty pressure packed situation, he still couldn’t get himself to just talk from the heart.

His Blue wife was horrified at the delay. Her perception was that he had to think about it “that long,” and then probably just lied. Blues are really good (or bad) at reading tone into something. That “yes?” did her in, and the tears started. An “of course” and a hug would have solved half their relationship issues. But that’s easier said than done in the heat of battle when this high Green stayed in ‘thinking mode’ to rationally want to solve his relationship issues versus talking from the heart.

Choose Your Color

February 2nd, 2017

Your primary Color isn’t about to change anytime soon…or ever. But your behaviors can change all the time, depending on your circumstances, stress level, meeting, when you’re with a friend, your child, partner, parent, or coworker. Note that the key word here is “can.”

Don’t let your primary (first) Color take away the freedom to be the other three. It’ll make you a more well-rounded person! You’re always free to choose the Color of your behaviors. Just don’t ever say: I’m (this Color) so you have to… or that means I can’t…need you to…or whatever excuse you may have for staying stuck in the comfort zone of your primary Color. Here are the most common ones for each Color:

I’m Blue so you should be nice to me. No, I have to criticize you for something that went wrong yesterday. YOU need to differentiate between me not liking this specific thing versus not liking you.

I’m Orange, so I was late. No, you multi-tasked too much and are rude in having five people waiting to start a meeting.

I’m Green so I’m always sarcastic. No, you don’t have to be. You need to be aware that it’s not funny to lots of other people, especially when it’s a put-down sarcastic comment.

I’m Gold so it has to be done this way. No, there are lots of ways to get from here to ‘done.’  Your way is your way, but it’s not the only way, nor the way others can and do get there successfully.

Care enough to grow your knowledge and use of Colors:

-What’s your biggest excuse in hiding inside your first Color? If you can’t think of it, ask some friends or coworkers to be honest with you.

-Find a way to have your team do the Colors Advanced seminar

-Read the Colors at Work section about the dark side of your primary Color

Why Can’t My Blue Help?

April 13th, 2015

At least once every few months, a Blue lady emails me very hurt that someone she cares about seems to have shut down and shut her out. Her Blue wants to help heal the hurt and to be there for the other person.

Sorry – there’s very little they can do. Blues believe if someone cares about them, that person would want to talk it through, to have a shoulder to lean on, someone to talk it through with, and to be there for them. But guys, Colors aside, want to do something about it, and not talk it through. That would generally make them feel worse and not better and just build their frustration level. That really hurts a Blue person when they seem to get shut out. The constant thought that, if he cared about me, he’d talk it through with me, makes things worse and not better.
IF you’re a Blue in a relationship with an out of esteem other Color (see the Colorful Personalities book chapter) you need to make a decision: Put your life on hold or move on. If and/or when he has dealt with his problem, he may be back (depending on his Color). But, if so, it won’t be tomorrow afternoon – so you need to be prepared to wait it out on his schedule and not yours. He knows you’re there for him if he needs to talk…but he won’t.

That’s not only very difficult for a Blue to understand, but also to do. However, if you’ve been in that situation, you know that the more you push, the more resistance you’ll get, and the more distance comes between you and him. You need to stop hoping that he’ll turn into a Blue ‘wanna talk it all through’ person.

Blues Don’t Hear So Good

May 1st, 2012

Everyone is familiar with the saying that actions speak louder than words. For Blues that is especially true since they live life through feelings and intuition. Sure, everyone loves a little thank you note or small gift. But words aren’t one-tenth as powerful as the feeling of being appreciated, cared about, included, appreciated, and so much more.

In relationships, you can never tell your Blue partner often enough that you love them or give them a hug. When should you tell your partner that you love them? Before someone else does! Many high Greens share that they’re just not made that way, and it’s just not something they do very frequently. The great news is that we can all grow and learn – quickly!

But whether it’s at work or at home, the feelings of being cared about and appreciated are much more important than the words. What makes it more powerful and meaningful for Blues is the soft touch on the shoulder, the hug, and the eye contact when someone talks to them. Feeling valued, appreciated, loved, or included are way more valuable, powerful, and believable than words alone.

Beyond that, whether it’s at work or at home, a recent study found that 75% of women and even 73% of men wish their partner would share more of their feelings. I would bet that applies at work the same way: Whether you’re a leader, or with others on your team, your relationships will grow significantly if you just let others see more of the ‘real’ you.

Love Hurts

June 7th, 2011

If you’re old enough you’ll remember that this was the title of a Nazareth song. But it might also be true in the literal sense of the meaning.

A recent study at Columbia University found that getting rejected can literally manifest itself as physical pain! Researchers showed volunteers pictures of ex-lovers after a breakup, while an MRI scanned their brain activity. The regions of the brain with significant activations were the same ones that are activated when we hold a very hot cup of coffee, or when we are under distress.

It isn’t the first study, and it won’t be the last, to find that intense rejection can result in physical pain issue or disorders. And it certainly points out how our emotional state impacts our body. That’s something Blues especially should learn and remember.

The “pain” we can all feel at times, has nothing to do with gender, as the study reported. And it certainly has nothing to do with a specific Color. It’s just that Golds, Greens, and Oranges will suppress it, crack a joke, ignore it, or work their way through it, rather than first dealing with healing.

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Blue Men: The Biggest Fighter Was Also a Blue

May 2nd, 2011

George Laroque was one of the toughest guys playing in the National Hockey League. He retired last year, but is best known as the long-term tough guy of the Edmonton Oilers.

If you ever hear Laroque on a talk show, it isn’t hard to tell his soft voice, eternal optimism, positive nature, and passion. In spite of being one of the toughest fighters in the game, he is known as “gentleman George.”

Laroque was never confused as to what his role was. Yet, he had a strong code of behavior in his fights. He didn’t take cheap shots, he allowed guys who had fallen to get up, and wouldn’t fight someone who was hurt, because he had made his point. He also wouldn’t get into fights just for the sake of fighting or to prove his toughness. It was something that drove fans and coaches crazy.

This high Blue’s contribution to his teammates was to protect them, create some open ice, and make people think twice before messing with one of his teams’ stars. Would he rather have been a much better skater or goal scorer, and contribute in a different way? Possibly. Did he like hitting people and getting into fights? Probably not.

But that’s why he drove coaches nuts: He would fight when there was someone to protect, or a reason to do so. And it needs to be HIS judgment, and HIS criteria, in order to feel justified in doing so. It is certainly the decision making process for all Blues. Off the ice it wasn’t (and still isn’t) hard to tell that Laroque is a Blue. Many reporters have commented that: The kid within him comes out more than with others, plus many comments about his big heart, deep feelings, strong compassion, and good deeds.

To this day, large numbers of charities benefit from his time and money. Plus, unlike many (largely Orange) athletes, it’s done when the cameras and media are not around. When Edmonton sports reporter Robin Brownlee’s wife was in the hospital with complications during the birth of their son, George Laroque paid an unannounced visit. He didn’t tell her husband, nor anyone else, but just felt the need to visit.

Right now, Laroque is also the spokesman for a Shaken Baby Syndrome campaign with the tag line: Are you tough enough to be gentle? Blue men are the smallest group in the population. If you have a Blue male friend, partner, boss or co-worker, treasure them. But it’ll take a little work and time to see their “real” primary Color. From an early age they’ve wondered “what’s wrong with me?” because they’re so much gentler, more caring, emotional, and compassionate.

As a result, almost all Blue men wear a mask to hide who they really are. That mask is their second Color. Take the time to get to know the REAL person, and when their intuition trust you, the guard will come down, and you’ll see them for who they really are: Tough enough to be gentle.