Are You Single and Dating On-line?

July 10th, 2014

Since I’m single (but don’t deal with any on-line dating sites) the recent story in Macleans was certainly interesting. All four of our Colors have on-line dating profiles but deal with these sites for very different reasons (right, Gold & Green introverts?)

There are actually more than 1,500 different sites and almost 40 million people in North America use them. They range from free to more than $60 a month and it’s a $1.5 billion industry. But are people looking for love in all the wrong places? It’s the second most popular way to find a mate, but through a method where over 80% of people misrepresent their age, height, or weight… and who knows what else?

Is on-line dating kind of like the failure rate of diet plans of more than 90 percent, or a great way to meet people? Who knows – but the author of a recent book suggests a problem: Since there are lots of people on these sites, most people won’t put in the effort to build a relationship. After all, they can just contact the next person the next day.

So called second-generation dating sites claim to use all kinds of personality tests to predict compatibility. But are they looking to match people with like-minded personality types, or focusing on the old saying (that makes two-thirds of relationships) that opposites attract?

If you’re single, how to do you get from here to married – or at least a longer-term relationship? Have you done one of the on-line personality tests? If you’re Blue and on one of these sites, how on earth can it work when your biggest asset is your intuition about someone? That only works face to face! Do Oranges make the time for endless scrolling through profiles and a bunch of back and forth messages? Can Greens tell credibility or someone’s intellect on these sites? Can Greens get any sense of credibility from someone on a dating site? And how can Golds get any clue about someone’s trustworthiness, reliability, or traditional values? Click the comment button and care enough to share. Your name and e-mail will never show up. But do include your first Color!

Is There a Proper Way to Load a Dishwasher?

July 10th, 2014

Who knew? You did, unless you’re single. It’s something almost every partner in every relationships had to learn, to give in on, or to keep arguing about.

Vancouver marriage counselor David McKenzie also believes it can reveal some serious power issues. It may not start as a big deal, but then, we’re really skilled at sometimes making a big deal out of a small one.

A few years ago, the highlight of the movie Rachel Getting Married was a dishwasher loading contest between the father of the bridge and the groom. For much of the rest of us it’s something between a spatial puzzle and fixed routine. Never mind the question of what goes into the dishwasher and what should get washed by hand in the first place.

A few weeks ago I was invited to a friends’ house for dinner. Even when I started doing some of the dishes, I got a whispering yell (so her parents wouldn’t hear) of: What are you doing? That’s NOT how to do it! Ouch! But it did make me avoid helping to load the dishwasher, knowing a similar smack down was awaiting. While I did get an apology e mail the next day, the quantity of “lol’s” made me wonder – as did the odds of another invitation.

Are Greens the people who have developed the logical system of smallest to largest? Do they have a theory on whether utensils should go up or down? I do know a Green family member who refuses to rinse any dishes, no matter what. In his view, it defeats the purpose of a dishwasher. That does seem logical, doesn’t it?

Do Golds group their dishes? Is it important to also consider the ease of unloading the dishwasher? Is there a rule of how often the dishwasher gets run in the first place?

Do Oranges and Blues have a fixed routine, too? Is the Orange priority to get the most dishes packed into the dishwasher? I do know a Blue client who called me, very proudly, to share that she didn’t want to make her sister feel bad, and didn’t re-load the dishwasher “her way” until her sister had left.

For those who still need to learn the proper ways to load a dishwasher, or those who just want to argue with the author, there’s actually a blog called dishwasher 101:

Four Short Insights

July 10th, 2014

The Six Step Plan to Fix Your Life: Recently a Green client shared that she stops e mailing and texting people who “need their problems fixed” by 9 PM each night. When you’re fixing, you’re creating dependency, because the other person now needs to get back to you with the next challenge – next week. Greens and Golds frequently do confuse asking good questions with “fixing.” It won’t accomplish what they hope to. It’s kind of like the common Blue confusion between helping and enabling…

Using Colors: Hey George! I have done my Colors before, but never thought of using it as a tool for my business.…Thanks for the note. You HAVE to use it in your business, because you can’t possibly be successful without understanding people. You have to reach them BEFORE you can teach them. Think of Colors like four different languages. Those that speak your language/share your Color connect with you. Those other 70-80% can’t and don’t…

Since it’s vacation season: Watch the people on your team, because everybody is Gold the day before vacation: Focused, relaxed, on-task, delegating, coaching, finishing stuff, charged up, extra energy, sense of humor…

It’s not about feelings: My daughter is now 14 and a very dedicated student – still over a 4.0 GPA. She and a partner had a very big project for social studies and English combined. They researched our genealogy, studied immigration from the countries our family came from, wrote poems about the immigration experience, created a large immigration-type ship as a lift-the-flap with their original poetry under the flaps, as well as pictures with captions they wrote under the flaps. (More like an Usborne Lift-the-Flap experience than a two-year old flap book). It was a major project.

About a week before it was due, I asked the sweet little scholar how she was feeling about her project. “Mom, I don’t FEEL anything – it’s a PROJECT.” N.A.W.

More Hurdles for Orange Kids?

May 8th, 2014

All parents with a pre-teen have experienced their outbursts and tantrums at one time or another. Until now, temper tantrums were a normal part of childhood. But now it can also be labeled as disruptive mood dysregulation disorder.

The American Psychiatric Association has released their newly updated reference manual called DSM-5. It has already sparked international outrage and waves of petitions, including one from 14,000 mental health professionals, and over 50 organizations. Their main concern is the loosening and enlargement of behavior categories to the point where pretty much every person on earth can well be diagnosed with one mental-disorder or another.

The previous DSM-4 version first identified ADHD and caused an explosion in the prescription of Ritalin and influenced the diagnosis of millions of people (mostly kids, on which the medication still hasn’t been tested – mostly Orange kids). After its release, the diagnosis in children increased forty-fold! Do you think the disclosure that over 70% of the authors of the DSM-5 manual have ties to the drug industry is a coincidence? Hmm…

In the book: The Drugging of Our Children, psychologist Brent Robbins cites one study that found 72% of pediatricians prescribe psychotropic medication to children, but only eight percent felt adequately trained to do so!

There’s a reason the Colorful Personality book has an extensive section on ADHD in both the Orange chapter and the chapter on children. Changing the behavior of children is not just a pill away. In the school system, why is it that the few Oranges who do become teachers have almost no trouble managing Orange kids? They understand what it takes to engage them, give them the attention, and focus their energy in short bursts.

No wonder a few times a year a parent contacts me to get a copy of the Colors book right away. When I ask why, the response is always that their son or daughter’s teacher needs to learn to understand an Orange child. Oh how badly the world needs more Orange teachers…

Inside the Green World of President Obama

May 8th, 2014

Recently, reporter Michael Lewis wrote an extensive story on President Obama. Lewis received unprecedented access to the President, and the story certainly had a vast number of insights into a Green politician – and pretty much any Green in your life at home or at work:

What to wear? Who cares? He only wears blue or grey suits and the White House Chef makes all the menu and food decisions. The Green logic is that the more mundane decisions are taken away, the more energy and brain power there’s left for important decisions that actually matter.

The same logic applies to Facebook founder Michael Zuckerberg, who owns 20 of the same shirts. He shared with 60 Minutes last year that it’s just one less decision that has to be made on a daily basis. In fact, lots of Greens, mostly men, like a company uniform or coveralls. The big exceptions are most Green/Orange women!

President Obama doesn’t need you to say nice things, or to flatter him. As a result, it doesn’t occur to him that you may want to hear those things. In the entire eight months, Lewis shares that the President never attempted to flatter him in any way.

His nature is not one to show emotion and certainly doesn’t get emotionally invested in a decision. He is always calm and cool, and incapable of faking any emotions. There is, however, a great strength in his (the Green) authenticity.

He listens to everyone and actually goes out of his way to look for contrary opinions. That takes more time and energy and it’s something that can drive the media (and you with a Green at home or at work?) crazy. He is entirely logical in going through his options and has the patience to make the right decision.

With upcoming elections in both Canada and the U.S., the other two high Greens you’ll be able to see a lot on television are Prime Minister Harper and potential Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.

It’s Wedding Season: Be Careful Gold Parent!

May 8th, 2014

It’s Wedding Season: Be Careful Gold Parent!

I’m very Gold and my daughter is getting married, but…and that’s pretty much when I stopped reading the email.

Seen it, heard about it, and have watched the damage and fallout from other Gold parents whose son or daughter got married.

Dear Mom: You need to keep reminding yourself that it’s not you, but your daughter who is getting married, and that you idea of a perfect day is very different than that of your daughter and fiancé. If you don’t you can turn the day from heaven into the months from hell before the wedding and the repercussions and hurt feelings for months after.

Of course you mean well and love your daughter, but there’s a very fine line between helping (WHEN YOU ARE ASKED), and the perception of meddling. Just ask Blues to distinguish between helping and enabling – it’s just as difficult for them to see…

Whether it’s wedding planning, in your relationship, managing someone on your team, or a coworker, stay away from the: you should…, yes, but…, if I were doing it…, that won’t turn out…, that’s a waste of money…, did you remember to…, and a lot of other trouble-making phrases.

You’re entitled to your opinion, but you’re not entitled to a vote. There are only two votes and you’re not one of them. If Colors taught you to love your daughter for the Color she is, not the Gold she could become, honor her by letting her and her fiancé have the wedding they want.

Don’t script ahead to what it should be like in vivid details. The further you script ahead, the more likely you are to set yourself up for disappointment in all areas of your life. It won’t be like that. It’ll be a beautiful wedding – just not your Gold wedding. So get ready to stop yourself from speaking up when a number of issues come up.

All Golds, in many situations, needs to just take a deep breath and think if they’d rather be happy or right…and stay silent until they come up with the right answer of not needing to be right. Whether it’s someone’s wedding plans, a leadership style, a relationship issue, or a conversation with a coworker, it might be hard to learn, but it’ll be so worth it to do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.